The headline is hyperbole, granted. I’m 54 years previous. I’ve had loads of unhealthy days. Was this one the worst? Inconceivable to say. Can I title a worse one off the highest of my head? Now that I give it some thought, no! However we’ll get to that.
Let’s speak concerning the automotive first. The vaunted Hyundai Elantra N! The automotive identified all through the automotive-YouTube and reddit-forum universe because the price range different to the Honda Civic Kind R and Toyota Corolla GR, providing up 98 % of their efficiency at a ten-thousand-dollar low cost (extra once you consider vendor gouging). Former BMW M-father Albert Biermann’s present to the widespread folks: a track-ready weapon that’ll do double-duty as a humble household sedan when wanted, however is rarely greater than a flick of a baby-blue N button away from springing into full rifle-shot-backfire motion. What’s to not love?
Mine was a Christmas current to myself a pair years in the past. For many of my life I’ve solely pushed beater shitboxes — for the longest time taking a perverse delight in by no means having spent greater than $2,500 on any of them — however when my newest acquisition, a Saab 9-5 Aero wagon with a sketchy title historical past, began exhibiting indicators that its head-gasket points may need much less to do with the pinnacle than the block, I’d lastly had sufficient. Time to behave like a grown-up for as soon as and purchase myself a automotive with an precise guarantee.
A crushingly miserable conclusion on the time, as a result of I usually hate new automobiles. The burden, the bloat, the superfluous and gimmicky tech, the pursuit of irrelevant numbers and advertising B.S. that solely serves to additional distance drivers from the act of driving — all of it simply bums me out. I hate computerized transmissions. All of them. I don’t care how “good” they’re. New automobiles suck. I instructed you: I’m previous.
However then I remembered the Veloster N I’d pushed a couple of years prior on the Rolex 24. I used to be in Daytona for a narrative about Hyundai’s nascent IMSA program, with Bryan Herta Autosport working a staff of TCRs within the Michelin Pilot Problem. When hotshoe Michael Lewis took me for a lap in my fully inventory road automotive I used to be legitimately floored by the quantity of velocity he carried via the infield, and he gushed about how intently the dynamics of the highway automotive mirrored these of its racer-fied siblings. (Lewis would go on to win three of BHA’s subsequent five-and-counting championships within the years since.) The automotive was inexpensive, enjoyable, and — most memorably — it felt particular.
By mid-2022 after I was purchasing, although, the Veloster’s funky asymmetrical hot-hatch configuration was being phased out in favor of the extra typical four-door Elantra. Identical drivetrain, related suspension setup, principally the entire Hyundai N goodness in a slightly-longer-wheelbase, extra passenger-friendly bundle. And cheaper, weirdly. I truthfully most well-liked the seems to be of the Veloster however wasn’t about to pay an additional thousand bucks for a jankier inside. Elantra N it was, then.
Should you recall, 2022 was additionally the yr all of us discovered responsible no matter was unsuitable in our lives on the international provide chain, and there was a ready checklist for just about every thing; the Elantra N had gone on sale late in 2021 however I’d seen precisely one within the wild and showroom flooring have been barren. After a couple of weeks of getting dicked round by out-of-state dealerships, I discovered the least terrible native outlet and put down a deposit that made me first in line for his or her subsequent 6-speed guide allocation.
Six months later it lastly arrived, as I say, days earlier than Christmas. A white one. I didn’t notably care concerning the shade, however in some unspecified time in the future throughout that interminable wait I’d had a dream a few white one, so this felt unusually fated. I introduced within the set of Michelin X-Ices mounted on Sparco Terras I had on deck for this very event, signed the paperwork whereas they threw them on, and took supply of the primary and virtually actually final new automotive I’ll ever purchase. Granted, I’m not that previous, however I say this even now as a result of I simply can’t think about there ever once more being one other new automotive that I’ll each be capable of afford and, crucially, need. They don’t make ’em like this anymore!
Unsurprisingly, the automotive kicked ass. I beloved it from that first drive house, beloved it much more after 600 diligent break-in miles after I may lastly put my foot in it, beloved it extra nonetheless come spring when these winter tires bought swapped out for the ridiculously grippy Pilot Sports activities it shipped with. Whole Jekyll and Hyde persona, docile and chill round city however an absolute bastard when known as upon; fast and responsive, with essentially the most hilariously mild rear finish I’ve ever skilled in a front-drive automotive. The annoying tech was all simply (and completely) disabled, the helpful tech intuitive and elegantly built-in with bodily controls — different producers take word: this is the way you do a contemporary inside — and it was a easy matter to configure these N buttons in a manner that allowed me to seamlessly alternate between what I considered Eco-Grandma, Quick-but-Comfy, Firmed-Up-but-Not-Aggro, and Full-Ship Menace-to-Society modes. My twelve-year-old daughter who couldn’t care much less about automobiles beloved it; her pals beloved it; out of the blue I used to be the cool dad on account of my sizzling rod Hyundai, go determine. Even the automotive’s hideous grill was redeemed when my highschool bandmate remarked upon its unmistakable resemblance to the visage of 1 Paul Stanley, one thing that’s not possible to un-see as soon as it’s identified to you. We dubbed it the Carchild.
None of this got here as a shock. I knew I used to be going to love the automotive; that’s why I purchased it. What I wasn’t anticipating, although, was simply how a lot enjoyable it might be to drive one thing that I beloved so unreservedly. How uncommon, in our sophisticated world, to have the ability to really feel simply uncomplicatedly good about one thing! Hell, the Ns are manufactured in South Korea, so I may even fake I wasn’t implicated in Hyundai’s stateside child-labor scenario. I beloved going to IMSA races and rooting for the Elantra TCRs, seeing the ever-growing checklist of championships on the Herta trailers, filling out the dumb on-line surveys at Hyundai’s “activation” tents — How probably would I be to advocate one to a pal? 10/10 child, all day! — and getting one other cool t-shirt in alternate, the race automotive fading to black with the tagline on the again: By no means simply drive.
Okay, I would like you to think about that phrase echoing into the void because the display screen goes darkish and we now transition from the primary a part of our story to the second.
This might be the (probably) worst day of my life a part of the story. To set this up I would like to elucidate that for the final twenty-plus years I’ve made my residing as a touring and recording musician, enjoying bass in a cult band known as the Mountain Goats. And whereas I dwell in western New York, the remainder of the band are unfold throughout the three corners of North Carolina’s Analysis Triangle, which implies that as a rule, our excursions began and ended from there. And since flying on this nation has turn into an unreliable nightmare, my M.O. for ages had been to drive the eleven hours down to fulfill the bus at first of tour, go away my automotive at our drummer’s home, and drive house on the finish — one thing I by no means minded. Eleven hours of peaceable, uninterrupted solitude? Are you kidding? I appeared ahead to it, particularly with my new trip making brief work of Virginia’s numerous and pleasant Blue Ridge Mountain passes.
Towards the tip of our most up-to-date tour I awoke one morning feeling like dying. A Covid check confirmed my suspicion: I might be lacking our final 4 exhibits. As an alternative I’d be staying behind in Charlottesville, Virginia, quarantined in a lodge room till such time as I may safely make my manner house.
Not the primary time I’d gotten Covid on tour! That had been towards the tip of one in every of our first post-lockdown outings, within the fall of 2021, when three of us got here up optimistic and I spent per week isolating in a lodge room in McLean earlier than returning house to my household — Virginia being the place I’m going to get Covid, apparently. My shameful secret on the time? It dominated. Just lately vaxxed, a light case, I handed the time ordering in actually good meals, watching films, studying, listening to music, monitoring the birds outdoors my ninth-floor window…I privately referred to it as my Covid retreat. Bliss.
This time was not bliss. This time was, in actual fact, the furthest factor from bliss. This was per week within the suicidal ideation chamber, a darkish night time of the soul punctuated by room service deliveries of Kleenex and Gatorade left outdoors my door. Bodily I used to be a wreck: grievously ailing and incapable of sleep, and with every thing I put in my mouth tasting like absolute ass (even worse ass as soon as I bought the Paxlovid, which arrived too late to impart something however its least nice side-effects), I couldn’t actually eat both. Worse but, although, was the psychological funk, the short-circuited government functioning, the proverbial mind fog from which, as the times went on, step by step started to emerge the contours of a profoundly distressing and probably life-altering realization, to wit: I don’t suppose I can do that — emphatically factors in each route — anymore. You understand that line concerning the physique preserving rating? This was the physique holding up the judges’ playing cards, and each final one in every of them mentioned the identical factor. Sport over, buddy.
I’d examined optimistic on Monday morning; by Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to GTFO. I needed to go house. After all, I used to be in no situation to go anyplace, however that was inappropriate. My scenario had turn into untenable. I booked a rental automotive and plotted my escape.
The plan was a convoluted one, even underneath the most effective of circumstances. I’d get a rideshare from the lodge to the Charlottesville airport, the place I’d choose up the rental. Drive 4 hours to the Raleigh-Durham airport, the place’d I return it. Get one other rideshare to my automotive, a half-hour away in Chapel Hill. After which get as a lot highway underneath me as I may earlier than discovering a lodge for the night time, thereby splitting the eleven hours I usually down in a single gulp into chunks that is perhaps extra manageable given my shaky situation. Sounds cheap, although, proper? Doable, no less than?
Pals, after I say that it was all I may do to get myself and my stuff — a suitcase, a backpack, a duffle bag and a garment bag — from my lodge room to the foyer, I imply it was actually all I may do. Neglect about the remainder of it. From that time on, I used to be totally past my operational capability, reserves empty, borrowing in opposition to future returns that I don’t ever count on to comprehend. Truthfully? I ought to’ve been within the fucking hospital. Saline drip in my arm, medicated to oblivion. That’s not how we do issues right here, although, so as an alternative I sat down on the curb within the 90-degree Virginia morning swelter and waited for my trip.
Simply to maintain the dropping streak going, what do you suppose Avis gave me on the airport? Of all of the automobiles at the moment obtainable from the rental-car roulette wheel, which one would most completely complement the abject despair of this second? Should you guessed Nissan Rogue, give your self a prize, and please settle for my condolences as properly, as a result of I’ve to think about that you simply’ve been right here earlier than too.
I drove to RDU like a whole asshole. The one redeeming high quality of a Nissan Rogue — any Nissan from the final twenty years actually — is that it telegraphs to different drivers that you don’t give a shit, a reality I used to full benefit in preserving the left lane clear in entrance of me. Made shockingly good time because of this. (It happens to me now that this is perhaps helpful intel for future Cannonballers. Are you able to match an AMG engine in a Rogue? Does AMG make a CVT?)
It was mid-afternoon by the point I used to be dropped off in our drummer’s gravel driveway, exhausted however grateful to have the toughest half behind me. I snapped a pic of our automobiles sitting subsequent to one another and texted it to him; Hurricane Debby had come via and dumped a ton of rain a pair days earlier, and I’d had visions of exhibiting as much as downed timber or worse. Fortunately, the automobiles and his home appeared to have weathered the storm unscathed. I loaded up the Hyundai, checked the oil, bought myself settled in and rolled out onto the road with an enormous sigh of reduction. Someway, I’d performed it. I used to be in my automotive, pointed towards house. All that was left now was to simply drive. Straightforward. Simply drive.
Sorry, what was that?
Barely a mile down the highway the test engine mild flashed and the automotive went into limp mode. Pedal-to-the-floor-going-nowhere limp mode.
Now, I’m usually a reasonably profane individual in my on a regular basis life, and I are likely to get extra volubly profane when shit that’s alleged to work begins fucking up, for instance. It’s a measure of how totally defeated I felt at this second that the phrases that got here out of my mouth weren’t a torrent of abuse, of pure, undistilled rage directed at everybody and nobody without delay, however one thing nearer to a whimper: No. Please no. Please don’t do that to me. Not now. Not immediately.
I pulled off onto a facet road and pulled my trusty $20 OBD-II reader out of the middle console, a behavior leftover from beater days. A formality; as with the Covid check, I already knew the reply. P1326 — the knock sensor. A identified situation with these automobiles, one going again years on fashions all through the Hyundai vary. There are boards filled with tales of automobiles throwing codes and going into limp mode after a visit via a automotive wash, or worse, a puddle; certainly, I’d identified sufficient that after I took my automotive to get Waxoyled I particularly instructed the man to be light when cleansing across the knock sensor beforehand, confirmed him precisely the place it was and every thing. For some purpose the attachment the place the sensor is linked is very inclined to moisture and can brief out if water collects atop it. Mine had behaved itself till immediately; clearly it was ready till the time was proper to inflict most psychic injury and let me know that I’d purchased the price range sport sedan equal of a fucking F-35.
Thrust out of the blue from the anticipation of a zenned-out few hours of open highway into necessary problem-solving mode, my still-fogged mind struggled. What do I even do? I limped to the car parking zone of a close-by vintage retailer to get out of hurt’s manner. The automotive’s middle display screen proffered a button with directions to name Hyundai service instantly. Undecided what that’s going to perform, however okay, certain. They dispatched a tow truck and instructed me to take a seat tight. Within the meantime I scrolled via discussion board posts on my telephone — can’t I simply clear the code? There’s nothing really unsuitable with the automotive, proper? After a couple of unsuccessful makes an attempt, I finally managed to seek out the mix of ignition sequences and code-reader inputs that put out the engine mild. Okay, candy, again in enterprise. I texted the tow driver again and instructed him his providers have been now not required. Pulled triumphantly again onto the highway and made it practically half-way throughout the intersection when the sunshine got here again on and automotive went again into limp mode.
Now got here the profanity.
When selecting a spot on your complete nervous breakdown, there are a selection of things you’re going to wish to think about. Fewer individuals round to witness it the higher, in fact. Should you’re outside, possibly search for shade? Lastly, it’s nice if there’s some large heavy objects close by that you may choose up and throw in a futile expression of your individual helplessness, simply to really feel such as you’re doing one thing — free bricks or large pavers are perfect for this.
Fortunately for me there was an empty workplace park inside coasting distance, with a car parking zone completely fitted to the event. You ever seen a grown-ass, middle-aged man fully lose his shit? It’s not fairly. However generally in life it takes a second like this to shake you out of no matter combination of complacency and denial you’ve been residing in, and admit to your self that it could actually’t proceed, nonetheless a lot grief it’s going to trigger you. In habit circles they name it hitting backside. In my case it meant calling again the tow truck driver.
By the point he confirmed up it was 5 o’clock, on a Saturday. The service division on the nearest dealership was closed, naturally, and wouldn’t open once more till Monday morning. I briefly thought-about staying till then however shortly realized that if I needed to spend one other full day in a lodge room…properly, let’s simply say that wasn’t actually an possibility. I left the automotive on the vendor, bought one more rideshare again out to an airport lodge, and flew house the subsequent day.
To Hyundai’s credit score, the automotive was mounted — knock sensor changed — Monday morning, and the company individuals I spoke with have been exceedingly useful in arranging to have the automotive returned to me on their dime with assurances that I’d be reimbursed for all bills incurred. And certain sufficient, per week later the automotive was again in my driveway.
I don’t even wish to take a look at the damned factor.
Each little bit of enthusiasm I ever had for it has been completely extinguished. The t-shirts went within the trash. It’s so humorous to me now, after I take into consideration the a yr and a half I spent meticulously altering my very own oil, doing two-bucket hand washes, parking on the far finish of the grocery store lot like a boomer with a brand new 911. What a chump! What an absolute fucking mark! It’s a Hyundai, bro!
A few of you studying this is perhaps pondering properly come on, man, it’s a automotive. Issues occur. And also you’re proper, in fact. Look, I’ve dailied decades-old Saabs for a big chunk of my life. There’s a purpose I carry an OBD-II reader, even in a brand new automotive. I get it.
However my behavior of utilizing phrases like “price range” and “inexpensive” in relation to this automotive shouldn’t obscure the truth that, out the door, after taxes and vacation spot and every thing else, I paid practically forty thousand {dollars} for this factor. We’ve been conditioned to suppose that’s not lots, however to me no less than, it’s a colossal sum. And but they couldn’t spend the additional buck-fifty it might’ve price for a weatherproof connector to get me house on a day after I’d all however killed myself simply looking for my manner into within the driver’s seat. By no means simply drive, certainly!
Half of me desires to commerce it for a Corolla — not a GR, simply a Corolla, a center finger to your entire thought of a cool automotive, the cheaper the higher — however my child has made it clear that whereas she’s wonderful with me quitting my rock-star job, eliminating “her” Hyundai would mark a breach of father-daughter relations for which I’d by no means be forgiven. That, together with the understanding that I’d be screwing myself financially by promoting at this level, are purpose sufficient to maintain it, no less than for now.
In spite of everything this, would I nonetheless advocate an Elantra N to a pal?
Nicely, it relies upon. Simply utilizing it for observe days, or to impress the twelve-year-olds in your life? Certain.
Does it rain the place you reside? Does it ever rain anyplace you may need purpose to go? May there ever be a scenario the place your sanity relies upon upon the automotive getting you from one place to a different?
If that’s the case, I’d say the N in that case stands for Not in your fucking life.
